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This time, the notes from my journey might feel different, perhaps because I’ve visited too many inner landscapes to simply write about physical locations. Maybe a journey isn’t always just about physical stages, after all?
Like a traveler on a pilgrimage, this is a journey tracing the corridors of time to reconnect with my whole self.
A complexity of how I built a relationship, between confidence and decision making.
Since childhood, the affection I received came with conditions. I mean, I had to be the top of my class, obedient to my mother’s choices for clothes I never wore with confidence, or as simple as not questioning why I lived passing from one hand to another, because my parents could be away for months on end.
I grew into adulthood with a constant need to seek validation and prove my worth.
Becoming a victim of sexual violence at the age of 16 sent me back and forth to psychiatrists and psychologists. The funny thing is, both of my parents found out I was a rape victim through live national television during the World Children’s Day celebration in 2021.
And, finding the right mental health professional who resonated with me was one of the biggest gambles I ever took.
After cycling through seven psychologists, I finally reached a conclusion: romantic relationships in adulthood are a projection of parental upbringing in childhood.
I embarked on a solitary path searching for psychologists and struggling to access a psychiatrist through public health insurance; it was a bloody and stumbling journey. Both my parents (perhaps) denied the reality that their first daughter didn’t possess the same mental fortitude as other children her age.
In the journal “Is the Way I Was Raised Linked to How I Love? Perceived Parenting and Implicit Theories of Relationships“ by Ziying Wang & Wei Wen Chen (2023), they examined whether there was a relationship between an individual’s perception of the parenting they received in childhood and their implicit theories about romantic relationships in adulthood. Specifically, the study tested whether parenting dimensions such as warmth and control were related to an individual’s beliefs about whether relationships are destined to succeed (destiny beliefs) or can develop through effort and cooperation (growth beliefs).
And the research results showed that the perception of parental warmth was positively associated with growth beliefs about relationships, while the perception of parental control was positively associated with destiny beliefs about relationships.
They obtained key findings that:
- Individuals who perceived their parents as warm and responsive tended to have growth beliefs about relationships. They believed that challenges in relationships could be overcome through communication, effort, and compromise.
- Individuals who perceived their parents as controlling and restrictive tended to have destiny beliefs about relationships. They were more likely to believe that relationships destined to succeed would feel easy from the start, and significant problems were an indication of fundamental incompatibility.
- Through these findings, the researchers provided important insights into how early experiences with parenting can shape an individual’s cognitive framework about romantic relationships. This understanding can help in identifying factors that contribute to beliefs and behaviors in relationships.
- This research also opens opportunities for interventions aimed at promoting more adaptive growth beliefs about relationships, especially for individuals who report experiences of less warm and more controlling parenting.
Enough theorizing for now,
Today, I am a final-year psychology student. Although I haven’t learned much within the academic walls, I am grateful for the significant amount of field experience that has slowly shifted the lens of my perception; what initially felt like relationships succeeding based on fate has transformed into the understanding that relationships can thrive when we engage in healthy conversations and are brave enough to express uncomfortable feelings.
The crux of the matter is, as I journeyed through the corridors of time within myself, I realized that since childhood, there had been too many determinations made by my parents. Everything was decided for me—where I had to go to school, the pressure to be the top of the class which felt so out of reach, the food I had to finish three times a day, the clothes I had to wear, and even the attitude I had to display. But the most painful part was that they never gave me the space to learn how to resolve my own wounds and issues.
I struggle to articulate things that make me uneasy, possibly because it wasn’t typical to discuss such matters openly, and I believe this is a widespread challenge for my generation.
It turns out that loving oneself is a long journey.
To be continued…
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